Critics are perfect. You are infallible. You know everything about your subject, you're never late, you never missed the best bit of the gig/film/whatever while you were in the toilet. Nobody wants to hear about how you got held up in a taxi or were too pissed to remember what happened.

Nobody cares about your life. You went to a party afterwards? I don't care. And neither does anyone else.

Critics are solitary. This is an extention of 1 and 2. It's not a night out with your mates.

Never admit you are perfect, just know it.

Your review is subjective. You don't have to pretend to be objective. Just remember your subjective opinion is perfect.

You can use "I", but only if it is for a specific reason. Otherwise you look stupid.

Your review is not an explanation of the event. This is called a press release. Press releases are evil. A critic offers their perfect opinion.

Never, ever, use "I thought" or "in my opinion". You are writing it, of course it's your opinion. This makes you look stupid.

Exclamation marks are evil. Avoid them, there are more clever ways of emphasising something.

Paragraphs are very important. If your review has no paragraphs there is something wrong. One point = one paragraph.

Try to be different. A review must, above all else, be entertaining. If it's not, it doesn't matter how brilliant it is, nobody will read past the first paragraph.

The first paragraph must be brilliant.

Never start a review with a cliched line like: "it's that time of year again," or "the summer blockbusters are back".

Sentence structure should be simple. A review is more like a conversation than an essay. Read it out loud. If it's a mouthfull, cut it down. You are clever, you don't need to try to be clever.

Try not to use obvious adjectives like "good", "bad", "boring", etc.

There are certain words that Brazen doesn't like. These include, but are not limited to "uber", "insightful", "noone" (use nobody) and anything ending with "tastic".

Don't admit admit that you fancy, or a massive fan of the subject of your review. Critics are immune to trifling human emotions.

When referring to an actor, band member, artist etc. start by using their full name ("Steven Spielberg") then use only their surname. Otherwise it sounds like you're trying to be mates with them. If they have stage names or go ONLY by their first name you can make an exception.

Don't admit you know the person you're interviewing (unless you have a very good reason).

These rules can be broken, but only if you are aware of them.

Most reviews are rubbish. Charlie Brooker's reviews are never rubbish. Read them.

A good example is Charlie Brooker's take on Prison Break: "As realistic as a cotton wool tiger driving a tractor through a teardrop."

If you stick to these rules, everyone will probably hate you.

This doesn't matter.